Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
