The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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