i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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