she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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