Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
