he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
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Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
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You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I have aggressive nipples.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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