They should really pass out barf bags in church
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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