Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
