He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
All I want is dick and wine.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
