Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
