sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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