I think my fart just growled at me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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