i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
His hands were made for my vagina.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
