If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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