highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
