I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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