I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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