the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
