Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
