I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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