shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
