i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
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im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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