i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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