Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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