I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
