Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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