It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
