peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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