yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
