I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
