I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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