Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
