she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
