I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
