I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
