At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
