I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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