I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
