I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
