you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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