Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
