Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
