Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
