o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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