He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
