Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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