this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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