this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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