Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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