I can text with my tongue
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
