i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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