Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
