the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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