i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
smell my finger.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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