I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think I died a long time ago.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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