she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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