Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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