if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
