I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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