I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
